Written by: Anonymous
Let me begin by saying that I had no idea what a Narcissist was or the wrath of what I would be piecing back together after getting involved with one. A wolf in sheep's clothing is what mine was. I never thought I would end up with a psychology degree after encountering one. My story starts about a year ago on a dating site called ZOOSK. I am a 43 year old woman, very independent, self-sufficient, and financially stable, but I was just wanting what everyone else wants to find--someone to share my life with.
I had been on several dud dates and I got a message from a 50 year old man that said he was looking for the same thing as me. Well, we all know that investigation is required. I answered him back and the corresponding began. I told him I was wanting to take things slow and would not be exchanging numbers for a while. We communicated over ZOOSK for almost a month before we exchanged numbers and in the next few weeks, the texts came in abundance, phone calls were long, and the conversation was good. We got along great. We made plans for our first date—he planned a picnic at a local winery. We met up…..he didn't look like his photo, but I overlooked it because I liked his personality. The date went fine….a few glitches here and there, but no deal breakers. The conversation was good, two-sided, and no awkward silence. I was thrilled. He asked me out again and I accepted.
In the weeks following, the phone calls continued and texts still came in constantly. I found it weird that if I didn't get him answered in a timely manner, he would ask if he had done something wrong, but dismissed it because I thought it was kind of cute. We went on several more dates and we were having a great time. Things were going slow and we were getting to know each other. We had a lot in common. Things looked promising. He was attentive, a good listener, caring, funny, fun to be with. My friends who had met him liked him…he was perfect.
Over the next few months things were going good, and by this time he had said I love you, and quiet honestly I loved him. I had not felt these emotions for a long time. My heart was happy--I swore I had found my forever. I had witnessed some odd things and left him shaking my head in wonderment a few times. But we all have quirks right?
By this time I met the family and we got along great. We spent Thanksgiving with his family, as mine doesn't live around here. Thanksgiving was a great day and we had a lot of fun. Christmas rolled around the day started off great but by noon I was in tears. He and my daughter had a disagreement that escalated quickly into a screaming match. I was mad at both of them because neither one would let it go. They made nice until the end of the day and he went home. He called later and again apologized for how the day turned out and my daughter had felt bad about not letting things go and walk away. I was so disappointed in both of their behaviors. However, it was irritating, but I again dismissed it.
On New year's Eve he took the night off and we again spent it with his family it was a good night. I saw some behavior that made me question some things, but I still forged ahead. I communicated these things to him and I got a vague response or was told I was imagining things. I knew I wasn’t, but I went on, I loved this man.
Valentine's day rolled around and we had agreed to not do a whole lot of anything. I made him a card and his favorite dessert from scratch. I got nothing. I got an attitude about the whole holiday being a Hallmark made up money making day. I was hurt he put in no effort at all.
By this time he was starting to get angry and filled with rage when he would call me because he was having trouble at work. He didn't understand why he was being passed up for co-workers with less experience and he was yelling and causing problems at his work. Or, he would call me and I would hear him yell about people on the road because, no one knows how to drive! His rage and anger was new to me and I chalked it up to him being stressed.
The time we were spending together was getting shorter and the excuses were coming about more frequently--how he was broke, sick, worked too late, had insomnia, couldn't sleep. Again. I communicated my concerns and was told “it was all in my head.” By this time my friends were warning me that something wasn't right with him. I was making myself go insane. I ended up at the doctor's office getting put on antidepressants because I felt I was going crazy.
He made excuses and by this time, I was making excuses for his excuses.
We ended up meeting for coffee one day with my friend. She had met him and spent time with him before. After coffee we were in the car leaving and she said to me: something is off with him…that is not the same guy you started dating, he's different, too arrogant and he was putting you down and you took it. That is not you, what is really going on here?
As time went on, he was withholding his time, affection, and attention from me--throwing me a crumb here and there. He was showing me more rage and anger when I was wanting his time. I was crying more and more, chalking it up to all his stress. I know that he was not seeing anyone else. As a matter of fact, during our almost year long relationship, we never had sex. I was very patient as he was going to go get it checked out to see if there was a problem.
I loved this man--I knew he existed once, but what was happening? Then it all came to a head. I wanted to spend time with him before leaving for a vacation for two weeks, but he had been out late with work and declined. I lost it. He then waited until I was getting ready for bed, and sent me a text breaking up with me. He couldn't even call. I was devastated. Finally, when I got him on the phone, he told me he had no feelings…that he just couldn't give me anything because he had nothing more to give away. He said that I was the problem. And that he just woke up and didn't love me anymore.
Wait…how does that happen? I was supportive in every way, understanding and I gave my heart to him…and he just had no feelings? I was in shock. I was hurt. I was angry. I was feeling so many emotions. And he had none. His response was that he wasn’t going to lose any sleep over this because he doesn’t sleep anyway. I wanted to talk face to face, but he said he had nothing he wanted to say.
I was broken….and getting ready to go on a vacation that was supposed to be fun. I was a wreck. I contacted one of his family members and had a conversation with her the day I was to leave for vacation. She was not surprised by his actions at all. She said he had a lot of issues and she and her husband suspected he was not being honest with me from the beginning. She agreed to meet with me after I returned from vacation. I went to meet her because I needed answers. I had been blindsided and I wanted some closure.
When we met, I was given some information--interesting information. This man that I gave my heart to had lied….about EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING! She asked if I ever gave him any money? She then asked if he could have possibly got a hold of any of my account information? Then I ran a background check on him. He had a criminal record for theft. I found out he also did not have the education he claimed to have and that he had been in a mental health facility several times, tried to commit suicide, stolen, been homeless and his relationship failed with his ex because of his lying and drug problem. His family life growing up was also not what he had said and instead he had very traumatic childhood. His family actually said they were surprised that we had dated this long and they had thought about sitting me down and talking to me months before, but they thought he was getting help. He seemed to be happy and doing well. They thought I was good for him.
I left that meeting feeling better. I actually had a good night's sleep that night, but I wanted more answers, so I started investigating. I should have done that in the beginning. I contacted his ex-wife. I wanted to know if he made her crazy too. We had a very nice conversation. She is a very nice lady we had a lot in common. She told me the timing of me contacting her was so weird because he had actually contacted her wanting to have lunch and he told her about me and that we were so happy together. She was surprised to hear we had not been together for months. She said God works in mysterious ways. She said two weeks earlier she found her journals from when she was married to him and was looking through them and some of the things that she went through. And how crazy he made her. She had been put on several medications for depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, ulcers and several other things that were medically wrong with her.
We had both been put through hell. He had followed the same game plan with her as he did with me and she said be thankful you got out and didn't marry him. She said he lied, used drugs, couldn’t hold a job. He fought with her kids. He borrowed money from people who would show up at her front door for repayment. He tried to commit suicide three times during the time they were married. He was in a mental health facility off and on and then in drug rehab for his addictions. She was exhausted. He never let a holiday pass without her being in tears. She told me to be thankful.
I am now in therapy and every day I get better. I am moving forward. I just don't understand how one person can be so evil and hurt the people who love them. Who would make you feel so much love for them…just to be so cold and calculating with their actions?
I know I will recover and this has made me stronger as a woman. I am now focused on me and being better than I was yesterday. I am thankful I have a great support system and that I can financially afford to pay for counseling.
He, however, is right back on Zoosk, looking for his next victim. That makes me angry--he doesn't need to hurt anyone else. If he found a woman with no support or family and did the same thing to them…how would they deal with it? Now that I'm educated on this subject, I know now Narcissistic Personality Disorder is real.
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