Written by: Shaylee Henning
Single life definitely has it benefits: having the bed to yourself, not consulting with anyone else’s schedule, no extra drama… it definitely doesn’t suck! There are also the cons: cooking for one can be lonely, showing up solo to holidays/family gatherings can be awkward, and everyone gives you “that look” when the bride is about to throw the bouquet (I HATE that tradition by the way. Whomever thought that was a good idea needs to do the cha-cha on a floor full of Legos).
But my favorite thing is the question: “Why are you single?”. I have no clue. Well, I take that back… I do know: I don’t settle. I have high standards and I don’t feel like I should have to lower them for a date to a Christmas party. Then the follow up, “It’s because you’re too picky”. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I would have a closet full of Louboutins.
The other night, one of my closest friends (and the most positive person on the planet) decided she was going to change fate and make an online dating profile. I’ve done this before and told her, “you seriously don’t understand, the guys on there aren’t what I’m looking for. I feel like my IQ drops with each message sent.” (Cue the “you’re too picky” lecture). The difference this time was that she made the profile completely on her own and was going to screen anyone who messaged “me”. After a good 30 minutes of her typing away like a mad woman finishing up “my” profile, the messages started coming in.
Actual messages we received:
• Hey, How are you?
• Hey beautiful, may I know your CUP size? Coz I want to ask you out, for a CUP of coffee.
• Do you want to date a white boy?
• Morning BeaUuuuutiful. Lets do lunch???
• What is your position on ice cream in bed??
Are. You. Kidding. Me? Keep in mind, we didn’t send any messages at this point, these are the first interactions with these guys PERIOD. This is what I’m working with? ::insert eye roll here:: We start looking around at what this site has to offer and found 28 guys with gym selfies, 35 guys with car selfies, and two guys who MAY have their girlfriend in their pictures (don’t worry, they were just looking to “hang out”).
She then decides to start responding to a few messages, keeping things lighthearted and funny like, “Go Royals! Hope you’re having a great night!” or “I love margaritas, what’s your favorite drink?” Pretty innocent right? Keep reading…
Legit responses we received:
• I want a kiss.
• I’m at a friends house, I’ll message you tomorrow!
After receiving a few messages like the above and 45 minutes of searching for a JJ Watt clone, my friend was shocked; she couldn’t believe the amount of stupid we just encountered. All I could do was laugh and say, “I told you so”.
Dating now is 100x harder than dating 15 years ago. It used to be guy asks girl out, guy picks girl up, guy pays, girl waits for guy to call, you know the drill. Now, this couldn’t be further from the new norm.
Today, it is so much more casual; you have the “talking” stage which is where you’re talking/texting with someone for a while learning about them without actually going out with them. Then comes the “hang out” stage which where you actually spend time together in some capacity (this can be where “Netflix and Chill” happens), but you’re still not officially tied down to that person.
If this goes well, THEN the dating stage occurs, but you will more than likely get a text saying, “hey, I’m out front” than a knock on the door. We have social media, we have online dating, we have text messages and the ability lock our phones. So the cute guy you went out with isn’t checking his work email, he’s texting another girl who he’s also “talking” to and will be locking his phone when you come back to the table.
So my point here:
Guys - Seriously, man up. We’re really not that scary, just have some confidence. Word of advice: Please be able to start and carry a conversation, if you have nothing to say and it’s quite obvious, I’m out. Oh, and please use spellcheck.
Non-Singles - We appreciate your concern, but please don’t pressure us; some of us genuinely like the single life! We’ll find it eventually or maybe we won’t, but either way having friends constantly ask about why you’re single doesn’t make Mr. Right come around that much faster. (Unless you personally know our celebrity crush, then that’s a completely different story.)
JJ Watt... call me???